HMS Integrity

I am many,
and yet one;
a billion stars,
and just one sun;
I am splintered,
and yet whole...
a fractured spirit
in one soul.

10-3-98
It seems that as I allow the distinct individual expression of each person, then there is a more peaceful atmosphere within the whole of me. There was a shift from one whole fractured essence to a breaking or drifting apart into the distinct fractured pieces, although the connections between still exist. In becoming aware of each personality, or rather, each person, then I allow myself to allow whoever-needs-to the space and time and energy to express whatever needs to be released. This seems to be very complex and difficult to write down. I think the actual experience of this is probably very difficult to translate into words easily understood by those outside myself. I know that there seems to be greater respect between the individuals. There seems to be greater support. And there is a general consensus that whoever has the floor - whoever needs to be expressing something - now has the opportunity to do that without so much interference, interruption, or undue influence by anyone else. So now I am beginning to know them, one by one. I am becoming aware of who they are, what kind of person they are, and perhaps their own unique story. Integrity does not mean integration. What it does mean is that each individual now has the opportunity to become who they are in truth - to be truly what they are - and in so doing, I become truly who and what I am. As the presenting adult (D), who was "created" in 1969, I still feel only about 30 years old. It can be very strange. Now obviously when others are expressing themselves, my "age" varies from toddler through adolescence. If such a shift occurs in an "unsafe" place - such as work - then there is an influence, a filter, a camouflage created, to preserve the "shield of normalcy". This is accepted as a valid survival technique by general consensus. However, the change has been that, in "safe" places, a much purer expression or presence can be manifested, if it is so desired. And certain ones are allowed more presence outside the "safe" places. This seems to be creating a healthier environment. For as each becomes known, as each story is learned or acknowledged, as each unique trauma-drama unfolds, then healing can begin. In these letters, the silence is broken; the spell dispersed, the bindings loosened. It is not easy. It is harder some days than others. Some days it is impossible. Some days it feels suicidal to even try. But in the end, it is always worthwhile. I have many close friends and guardians in every bit of Creation - every Realm and dimension. The Lord is with me. And so it is with all whom He has directed onto my Path. I am not alone. I am just afraid. But He promised me the Rainbow and I believe Him. (D)
1998

****************

10-25-98
Sometimes it is hard to maintain a functional attitude. Sometimes I just want to quit and leave everything behind. Not that I would go anywhere, or doing anything fatal. But sometimes I feel so claustrophic in the sense that so many things are happening all at the same time and sometimes I feel pulled to do so many things and be so many people and know so much or be aware of so much that I just can't think that fast. I can't react correctly fast enough. I can't control my own life. I can't think fast enough to be pro-active instead of reactive. I feel I am being out-maneuvered, out-strategied, out-run. I know most of this feeling can be assuaged by finding my still-point, by relaxing, by de-stressing. I know this is only panic-anxiety assailing me. But it's still hard. Sometimes it even feels hopeless. And I never feel I can trust the hopeful moments. I surely don't feel like a mature adult at these times. And I feel stupid being vulnerable and disabled. But still I write to you. (D)
1999

**************

(2001)
I woke up this morning with a whole new perspective on life. We watched Boys On The Side, and had a wonderful after-movie special. I feel so alive. Anyway, thinking about myself, and feeling into myself, I do not feel disintegrated, or separated. I do not feel the presence of "others". Not that this doesn't mean that I cannot tap into them, or rely on them perhaps if I have to, but the feeling is that they are not me. I don't know if that sounds right, but it feels right. I do have to keep reminding myself that the journey is not over, that there are many other hurdles and obstacles to get around, that I need to enjoy the calm in the eye of the storm, and get into Stillness, and self-nurture, and just enjoy the moment. My friend did remind me that this is not the end destination, just a waystation, a resting place; and it's important that I remember that...I'd love to hear your perspective on this. I don't feel "others"; just me.....I kind of hope that I have not dropped into another block, and it doesn't really feel like that anyway, but sometimes I get afraid Icould do that without knowing, knowing what I've been doing my whole life without much awareness. You know what I'm saying? Still,it doesn't feel that way.

{Enjoy the quiet pools along the stream before the rapids are there again. Your journey is progressing nicely. Make sure you save your writings....The Counselor}

I know i'm being pretty manic now, but it manifests itself in me being trivial and not being able to start or finish things and even affects the dyslexia soemtimes, which is strange. but i am having these night sweats and even during the day and then chills and like my thermostat is extremely erratic and i wondered about estrogen and all the things like that, because i really don't have any good understanding about all that's going on. and of course having this in the middle of trying to find some stability within such a crazy bioneurochemical system makes it even more difficult to know what's what. i know all this sounds very erratic and that's where i'm at; but still in some control; just my mind is like this. i hope you write back or call or something.

On a different note, the biggest problem with what has to be done for the physical and such, is that you're in truth dealing with the CoreChild. That's where the issue is; not that I don't have an issue with it. The healing, however, needs to deal with the Child; and the fear associated with what has to be done is overwhelming. However, she is willing to talk to you about it...maybe Wednesday. Hard to say, because I know she's going to run from this. I know, on the other hand, that when my friend sat down and talked to us about menstration in the most positive and ancient woman ways, that it did make things a whole lot easier to deal with. There are so many issues that were never resolved or dealt with that are a part of growing up female...so much I don't know, avoided, resisted, pretended didn't exist...but then I pretended I didn't exist so that would make sense. Actually, I didn't exist until you and I began that healing journey. In a sense... So you see what really needs to be done first, so that this is a positive experience and not another negative one, at least as much as can be, you know. Thanks for listening. Talk to you, later...

I went and wrote today's journey all out for you and for me. Here it is: (3-7-01=11: a new beginning at the next higher level)

I set this journey up better, after learning and incorporating the methods used by Harner...not that I didn't know -- just that I didn't accept its importance before. In Harner's workshop (2-25), I accidentally walked into an extreme terror-zone...bulging door that was oozing blood, threatening to overwhelm, explode, consume me...dropped into child...fear was tangible... knocked me off-center for a few days. I knew I had to explore this at some future date. Today was it. I am printing this (originally ), rather than cursive writing, because I need to keep objective and get it written down...not fall emotionally into it. my Counselor helped me anchor in the present...to see journey as virtual reality...experience it somewhat, emotionally somewhat. I tried to set that up in my mind. I got wise...asked Puma to come with me. He's my special Spirit animal and guardian. I never did that before in my healing. I started walking to intent- of-location/experience. Inner city. Tenements. Dark of night. Rained recently. Everything wet. Not chilling cold, but maybe low 60's. Wearing trench coat, I think. Something like high leather/suede walking boots. I'm warm enough. No traffic on street. Street lights dim. Not much noise anywhere. Few windows with any light. Fire escapes sparkle with wet rain in the light. I walk towards left side of street. Towards one of the tenements. It has stairs leading down to basement apartment. I can see dim light through curtains/blinds/something. Pause at door. Gather strength...shielding...intent. Open door -- not locked. Room is smoky..filled with several men, a few women. I can see needles -- people shooting up. Not a good scene, but not the worst I've seen. Man speaks to me, "Are you coming in to experience this?" I say, "No; I'm just here to discover what I've forgotten; I need to go to the other door." "Oh, ok; this way, then." He doesn't seem hostile or threatening. After I've said what I did, everyone goes back to their own life or whatever and ignores me altogether. I follow this guy -- he's maybe 30, kind of heavy-build, black pants, sleeveless black shirt with picture, tatoos on arms, earring, bald or shaved head. We go down this little corridor off of the back left of entry room. It's about 15' or so. Then there are stairs leading down. He says, "I don't go down there; that's not my scene." I believe him. He leaves me (still with Puma) at the top of the stairs and goes back to his room. I look down the stairs at the door. I'm filled with dread and I can feel the fear increasing inside me. But I don't run. I watch the door as a "demon" materializes in and about it, grinning maliciously; trying to draw me in by some malevolent hunger. But I will not be moved. He disappears. I walk down a couple of steps. I can hear the screams now; not like I had been blocking or they just started, but like I had stepped through some barrier/boundary. (my Counselor asked who the screams were; I said they were women, young people, children.) The door is dripping, oozing blood from every crack. I hold my breath. (She whispers, "Breathe.") I open the door. I walk in. I guess I see demons because aurically, psychically, that's what I saw, but physically it was just my father and the other men of that demon-group. All I see is blood. All I feel is blood. It's all over me. It's on my hands, and it won't come off. I try to wipe off my hands, but it won't come off. I see rape everywhere on women, youth (both sexes), and children (both sexes). There is blood everywhere. There are human sacrifices going on of all kinds. (My Counselor asks if this represents a particular event; I answer that it appears to be ALL the experiences that involved blood...) I see my father slap my mother so hard that blood spatters all over. I get some on me. It burns like acid. I can't get it off. I am not breathing well. (My Counselor whispers, "Breathe.") My hands are tightly clenched. (The Counselor and I try to unclench them to no avail.) I say I have to keep them closed. If I open them, all the blood will come out...like stigmata, but not. As the child, I have put my hands down by my vagina, because there is blood all over. And in this place, blood means death. I was bleeding; therefore, I was dying. (The Counselor asked me, as the adult, how I see death now; I said that I know death is just a transition -- just a transitory state to moving on.) The Child, however, was in full terror of dying. She had put her hands there, and then clenched on the blood to prevent all the blood from leaving and, therefore, her dying. (I find that I clench my hands whenever I feel fear of losing control, helplessness, life being drawn out in some way.) The Counselor whispers, "Open your hands"; but I cannot. And I say that if I do, all my life-force will drain out. I have to hold onto my life-force, no matter what. She says, "Here, let's put it back inside", and covers her hands over my womb area. But I resist. "No; if I put it back, they will just take it. They just kept taking it, again and again, over and over." But still she whispers, "But they couldn't annihilate you. You didn't die. You won. They couldn't annihilate you. You live. You won. They aren't here. They can't take any more. Let's put it back. Give your life-force back to you. Here, feel me give you some to start." Slowly, as the minutes passed, I gradually opened my left hand and rested it on hers. Then my right, as she took her hands out of the way. I stayed like that for a long time. She whispered, "It's time to leave." And I can see that it is. I remember about Sandra Ingerman's soul retrieval and find a child to come home with Puma and me. I walk out the lower door and up into the room. No one pays attention, although the tatoo-man follows me with his eyes. Although his eyes hold sadness, there is a respect for the strength he sees in me; especially having come back from going in the lower door. Pu and I walk out the door, with the child riding on Pu's back. When we get to the street, she gets off and I hold her hand in mine. It is almost sunrise. The sky is lightening up. We head to a park. I thank Pu and ask the child to come home. I go stand in the early sun's rays -- they are a blue-lavender type. The ray I step into is almost tangible. I feel myself rising in it, up to the Upperworld. I can feel Michael steadying me. He introduces me to someone I didn't know. It is Raphael. He has on loose green cotton pants and a raw cotton, rough-hewn shirt -a natural off-white color. His hair is a soft, wavy brown, his eyes are a kind of green-brown, and he smells of the forest. He focuses energy into that womb place. He pours what looks like grail-water all over, but he doesn't go near the places he's not invited...him being male and all. Mary comes over and leads me to like a hot/warm spring that is filled with grail-water. She helps me undress and get into the pool. She says that the more I allow the grail-water in, the more healing can be done. The more I allow myself to be re-filled with the life-force, the more healed and alive I'll be. I realize that I am even clenching all myself at a cellular level -- not letting my skin breathe or draw in moisture. I try to let the grail-water in everywhere. I even put some in my mouth, but it's hard to swallow because of the fear. Still, I even dunk my head once. She helps me dry off and get dressed in clean clothes. I return on a sunbeam back to the present, to my anchor-place, to my Counselor.

Yeah, I know exhaustion is just part and parcel of all that I'm doing with dissociative reframing and emotional redefining, or whatever. Still, I have discovered that a 10-hour shift at Denny's, a busy one, leaves me exhausted (extremely) for 36 hours. In fact, I could sleep almost consecutively for those 36 hours. Monday night is not usually busy, but it was jammed because of all the kids being back from spring break. I was down and out for all but the 2 hours spent teaching on Monday, and the 4 hours of class on Tuesday. I slept all the rest of the time and somewhat while in class. Sometime this afternoon I finally felt like I was able to feel alive. And basically, that's what has happened on Fridays, but because it was a weekend, I never noticed it that bad. I mean, it wasn't affecting anything. Now it affects my schooling and teaching, if Mondays remain that way, and they might. So I was concerned as to whether there actually is something not quite right. Not in the sense that I want to buy into anything, but rather to be able to say I'm not lazy, or unmotivated, or whatever. I want there to be a reason for the exhaustion. Being that exhausted makes it harder to do the interactions and abstract coherent thought that already take a lot of energy. I don't want professors thinking I am unable to be a good counselor because I am tired a lot, or because I seem fuzzy sometimes. In fact, in my talking with my advisor today, I said that I know that boundaries and those issues are what I need to resolve; I know I am sensitive, perceptive, intelligent, and empathic.

Good news, bad news, I guess. Seems a little much for me. Beginning to have auditory flashbacks. At least that's better than not having had any at all. I mean, most people have flashbacks, if it's all real. I guess the more integrated I get, the more my pockets get emptied into one place and then I become aware at some level of all the stuff that was disintegrated and dissociated out of my conscious awareness. I guess. What say you? Sounds now like I'm more PTSD than DID, even though I'm very aware of my tendency (gift/curse) to dissociate-- and even having some control or choice over it... See ya,

But leaving the past to the past is no different than leaving the dead to rest. The grieving process is no less different. There has to be admission of the reality of it all. There has to be grieving, and the releasing of anger. There has to be a sharing to make it real, to make me feel, to allow the tears, to release the fears. Then, I can let go. Then, the past can be the past. Pretending it has no affect on me, because it's "time" to move on, is unrealistic in the long run. I work at my pace; traveling the path set before my feet. Tonight, I went to the "Stop the Violence" open mike at Campus Coffee Bean. You can read poems. I went. Well, I went with Carole. She has read before, about the violence of verbal abuse. I had thought I knew what I was going to read, but I started writing poetry while I was waiting. They were very powerful. They spoke my truth. And when it was my turn, I read them...out loud. And it was good. Still, the repercussions will echo for a while. But I have taken another step; another step away from the past. In my own time, in my own way, I move; and the grass grows, and spring comes once again.

Just a note to let you know that there's been some turbulence. Apparently, when I was talking with my other Counselor on Thursday, and we were discussing zeroing in on the alters at ages 4 and 5, and we were talking a little about the EST...well, the conversation somehow went off on the ways of getting into a quiet, still place...you know, where the alpha and theta brainwaves help the body/mind slow way down into peaceful places. But then I said, well, whenever I can get into places like that I journey. And then I realized that I never do get still, ever; because when I get into relaxed states, I just keep on moving in a different place. So, then, she says, well, that may be because getting that still brought about the EST. I know she doesn't realize how deep that went, and to tell the truth, I didn't either; but today it has really been hard to function, and yesterday was kind of way-off-balance sort of day...I didn't know what it was...now I do. At least I have a better idea; I'm sure I'm blocking a lot of it. But the main connection is in my awareness now. I guess I'll probably be dealing with this issue with both of you Wednesday. I know it's important but, well, we'll see where it goes then. Just wanted this down in writing. Just wanted you to know.

I haven't been listening to my heart and it has been quietly disintegrating me. My anxiety levels are ear-splitting. So I will allow my heart to speak... and then perhaps my thoughts as well. Bear with me, if you will. Sadness so profound, depths so deep there is no sound; there is no ground. Trust in shattered pieces, and the screaming never ceases within the creases of my mind. Tis illusion hurts so much, letting fear replace your touch and not my crutch. The need remains, though I have broke' the chains... so much reclaimed; and yet your Spirit's stance that gave me one more chance... bid me to dance, surrounds my empty dark and I would show my heart, just to feel your spark. So far from my knowing, my emotions are. Still. Beyond all wisdom and divine grace. Beyond all mystic intuition. Beyond what seems reasonable. So much healing. So much remaining. So much I seek to walk on my own. So impatient with myself. It isn't enough to throw down the crutches. I want to walk, completely healed. But there are lessons yet to be learned. Still. I know the transference is there. How could it not be? So what? The interactive energy field contains us both, and beyond that, surrounding us, that touch of the Infinite, that touch of mystic Light, that powerful stuff that connects every molecule of every reality, wrapping everything in one great Truth. But here, now, in this present, I have set myself up with a destiny I have no clue about, and which I cannot unravel alone. Trying to do that keeps unraveling me. From my depths, I call to you... and I didn't even recognize my own voice, my own heart. I don't think the importance is in the energy work; the importance is merely in the connection... the conversations, the holding of hands, the melding of hearts, the weaving of Spirit, the lifting of Souls. I cannot write of this cognitively, nor practically, nor even realistically...if there is such a thing... because that is where I deceive myself, in the cognitive realm. I didn't know all this that I have written. I've just allowed myself to type from the heart. Probably it isn't a very good answer, if there was a question... That I want -- no need -- to see you is enscribed across the sky like a burnished brush of cirrus clouds at sunset. I can only hope that when one door closes, another one will indeed open. In any case, it was profoundly important to me to write this, and to send it to you, and to have you know my heart. Regardless of your response. The risk is inherent in our Light relationship. In my fear, I tried to deny that; to pretend I could deny it all, emotionally. How sad... to still use the same defenses after all this time... I'm sorry... and not just for this lifetime, either. I hope that I have not sealed up yet another chance for freeing myself from my own illusions. Thanks for reading this.

{You will never be ordinary...integrated or not. And I won't like you any less. It is a clear step forward. Let's just sit with it in NON-judgement....The Counselor}

[To my Counselor:Thanks for sharing the journey...thanks for being there on the Path... giving a hand, a warm support... for being able to be spontaneous... for choosing to channel healing Light... for choosing to share that with me. In between the stars is not empty space, but Love undiscernible to mortal eyes... we connect there... in a dimension of rainbow energy unbeknownst to the common wield... we have chosen well to meet again.]

{Hey yourself, where is it from roxanne? What a neat thing, to have you write to me....The Counselor}

somewhere inside...like inside stuff; like, i don't know...inside the tissue, the memory, the cognition, the emotional construct, the neurological wiring...but way inside, like where the galaxies are... somewhere in there the fear is... it's funny, but i can see now that i created all these others for my world so my world could survive, so i could survive...and not to take anything away from them...but i can see me now. but you alone also can see me now. everywhere everyone else much too frightening yet except as i allow that perception of me to be seen. just you. ok. i think the fear comes through from the reality of the childhood of my world...but more... kinda metaphysical if you wish... a knowing of disintegration to occur... an anxiety from incarnating... i know this sounds silly or remote or something, but i also know the truth is in there somewhere... and it makes me afraid...but in a way different way than say a serious mental illness does... that's just an adaptive construct... this is more... this is holistic or something. does this sound really strange... i would very much like to talk to you... and i can be open to that at any time because i know you have more time constraints than i do, realistically. oh, by the way, the power point went exceedingly well, was well received, was considered very professional, and stayed focused on the family dynamics angle with some individual discussion but not much. good support and affirmation from classmates and professor. will send it on to you after tweeking a few things. maybe later tonight... thanks for writing back, i think things are changing again i am much more here but that of course brings about it's own issues thanks for being here it is neat to have you write me, specifically r

{Camomille tea bags, warm. But think that symbolically the eyes are leaking because you are connecting events with emotions. It is alright. They need to flow....The Counselor}

> Yes, I know you are right about the emotions...I feel like if I had time and space I could cry for quite a while... but I don't want to bring attention to myself or answer questions, except in your company. I had thought about camomile... glad I'm on the right track. 4pm on Wednesday it is. Thanks for answering my posts. Everything is moving quite fast, quite deep. It's good, but unsettling sometimes, in trying to keep my balance. Some of this stuff is Very SPiritual, but beyond sharing it with most. We are as one in this, but seem to resonate best with you. Thanks for the appointment. See ya, r and the gang

{Dearest Roxanne, When one takes off the wrappings of safety, there is the experience of feeling "bare naked". This is most uncomfortable. However, growth has already continued to take place in the midst of nakedness. Cloak yourself in the invisible cloak and rest quietly in safety and peace. You have done very well....The Counselor}

{Your ruby stone journey was fascinating. It tells me you are putting yourself back in whole working order. My thoughts are with you. Peace in the midst of the storm....The Counselor}