Hey, Miss Sue
You do not know me yet. My name is Brett. I am too shy. That is what everybody says anyway. I just don't like to talk much. But hey, I can write you a note just so's you know I'm here. 'kay? Cool.
Me
9-22-98
Hello, Miss S.
I am ok. I can be ok. I am very good at how to be ok. I am very smart. I can be good with people, but I do not feel them. I do not feel at all, because then I cannot be ok. But I am smart enough to show the right feelings to people if I have to. But I do not like to. You are pretty good for a person.
Benjamin
This is Benjamin. Things are a little rocky right at the moment. We know where we have to go. We know what we have to do. But we don't like it. We don't want it. We are much afraid. Consequences suck. Doing the right thing in the face of authority's opposition - knowing what has happened in the past - well, it's hard. Still, we go on.
See ya.
9-29-98
You know what? I guess it's not too bad to talk to you. But it is a little. Dangerous, too. You know what happens if they find out I talked to you. But, hey, sometimes it feels like I have to or I'm going to burst. Like a nova. Cool, huh? Even so, well, maybe next time I'll talk to you. This is so much harder than I thought. Maybe they won't know. I don't like my dad's brother. He likes to play like a dog and do things I don't like. I don't want to go there. Mom likes him. He fizzes her drinks. She conks out. This is not good.
Bye.
Brett
The food I like most is hard to say. I like home-cooked meals, like Fletcher, but I prefer chicken and rice.
Benjamin
10-3-98
I like string beans. I like mashed potatoes. I like home-made stuff that you like to cook. It is good.
Brett
Hello, Miss Susan.
This is Benjamin. Did you know that even if you go away from the hurt, it is still there? That is why I keep my emotions locked away all the time. The problem is that it makes me want to hurt others so to get rid of the emotion in me. I just want to give it away. I use words so I won't physically hurt anyone. It wasn't their fault. There is so much hurt inside, I don't think I will ever be able to give it all away. I don't want to give it to you. I just go away when nice people are around. I just check their hearts. Then I know.
Bye.
10-6-98
Why do people have to hurt people, Miss Sue? Why do they have to do hurtful things? Why do they do stuff when you say no or don't please don't please? Why don't they listen? You can't cry because worse things happen. You can't make any noise because even worse things happen. You have to say ok. You have to know it is always going to happen. You have to just know ok this is what they want so ok this is what I have to do so ok it will be over in a while - unless there is someone else. Then it isn't over for a longer time, but ok it just has to be. My father's brother likes boys. He fucks me like one. Like a dog. While someone does him. Sometimes it is a woman. Sometimes I just go away so I don't remember. I don't want to remember what I heard, what I felt, what I did. He said it is what good children did. He fucked my mother. When she slept, he fucked me. He felt dirtier than my father. He felt dirty like grandfather. He knew I did not like it. He said that's why he liked it so much. He said he liked me because I let him fuck me and let him get off in my mouth. Like I had a choice. We both knew mother would blame me. Besides I was already a slut. What did it really matter now?
Brett
This is Benjamin. I don't really need a safe place because I just go away. Well, I don't really go away. I just keep my emotions locked away. So I can't get hurt. I keep smart and distant.
10-10-98
I would guess that where I go for some degree of safety is in the land or dimension of Fey: you know, elves and such.
Brett
This is Benjamin. Do you know it is not a good thing to be sick. I do not get sick anymore. Once I was. But it was a long time ago. I was very sick. Something I ate was bad. It made me throw up. But it made me throw up before I could get to the toilet. Ma was mad. She hit me with a hanger. She put my face in it. She made me clean it up. I do not ever throw up anymore.
Bye.
This is Brett. I don't remember being sick. But once I wasn't feeling well. We were visiting my dad's brother. They let me lie down in the bedroom while they visited. I fell asleep. I became awake when I felt someone undressing me. It was my uncle. I do not know where anyone else was. He put his hand over my mouth. He put his thing in my back hole. I was scared. It hurt very much. Finally he went away. He told Ma that a bath would help me feel better. He said, "Don't worry. I will take care of it for you. You just rest." She said, ok. So he gave me a bath. He cleaned me up. He rubbed me in the front and made me put my mouth on his thing. He made a mess again. Then he dried me off and put my clothes on. He said if I told he would say that I made him do it to me and I would get beat. I never told.
Bye.
Hello, Miss Sue,
It is good that you are back. Sometimes it is good to know someone that lets you relax your guard just a little bit. Sometimes it is good to be around someone who can feel and show it, and it is o.k. It always amazes me.
Benjamin
10-12-98
Hello, Miss Sue,
I am glad you are back. I feel pretty safe around you because you seem to accept so many kinds of people and so many ways of being. That means you most probably accept me. And you seems to understand love as it is meant to be understood.
Bye,
Brett
This is Benjamin. What I remember about church that I liked is the music. No matter how primitive or shallow the people, no matter how inadequate or misdirected the speaking, the music was spiritual in and of itself. It is the only real connection for me to God, to what is good in the Universe. There is nothing else that I can feel in church, and life sometimes. I like to hear singing. I like to sing. I like the classical and spiritual music I have been shown.
Bye.
10-19-98
This is Brett. Mother did not like church. Father did not like church. They looked for compromises that they could feel somewhat comfortable in, but of course there really wasn't any.
Bye
Dear Miss Sue,
Just a short note to let you know that I am handling things pretty well, considering. I am looking forward to seeing you Tuesday.
Benjamin
10-24-98
Dear Miss Sue,
Things are kind of tenuous right now. Still, I thought I would drop you a line saying I'm all right. Hopefully, someday I will get to talk to you. Even that is scary, you know. Love you,
Brett
Dear Miss Sue,
Did you know about Findhorn? Probably, yes, I think. Did you know that it worked only when humans got their ego and arrogance out of the way? The Fey realm mostly has no use for humans. In fact, they would just assume let mankind exterminate itself, except that the world herself would most likely become a victim, and because our two races share the same planet - well, they've had to step in to help or deter whatever was to their benefit. Fascinating! I like that idea. Sometimes, I think our Crew is like that in the sense that it is to our benefit to keep this being from becoming a victim. Something to do with completing God's mission, whatever that is.
See ya,
Brett
Dear Miss Sue,
I want to thank you for the healing work that you helped me with today. I know it didn't seem like I appreciated all you did. However, at that particular time and place I was not able to communicate that because I was all caught up in re-living a lot of bad stuff. In truth, it really is difficult at the time of healing. In retrospect, I can feel the healing (as much as I could) and I can be very grateful for all your help and guidance.
Thanks,
Brett
10-27-98
Hello, Miss Sue,
This is Benjamin. You know what is good? When I listen to Bach and Beethoven. That is good. I can let my locked-up emotions ride on the notes.
Dear Miss Sue,
Although the journey seems endless, I know the destination is closer. Maybe not in terms of time and space. Maybe not in terms of measure or evaluation. But yet, still, there is progress. Sometimes I can almost feel it. That is a very scary thought. I am so afraid to feel anything. But, sometimes, your room is almost safe enough...your healing therapy almost strong enough...sometimes I can almost feel. I know what the key is, now. It is trust.
Benjamin
Dear Miss Sue,
Thanks for helping me deal with some issues that have festered and hidden for such a long time. There are still some residuals and deeper, darker issues, but because you and I have broken through the barrier of "don't tell", I can believe there will be healing at some point. And that in itself is healing.
Brett
Dear Miss Sue,
So much is happening on the ship. As if the ship itself were transmutating from wood to crystal. I cannot describe it well. And some of us as well. Maybe not real crystal. Maybe crystal light energy, or something. And my heart, too.
Benj
Hi, Miss Sue,
It seems like we're passing through a veil. Like a dimension. Like fey. But not quite. Very similar. Very familiar. Like going home. It is like the feeling of growing wings.
Brett
Hello, Miss Sue,
I know it is important to write to you because it is hard for me to speak to you. It is important to communicate so you can help us heal. I understand the need to behave "normally" because it keeps attention away from us, and it keeps punishment and pain away from us. There has been discussion about taking a week (7 days) to do absolutely nothing but letting go (in a safe place), of letting go of the shields, of allowing whoever chooses to come forward completely - without worrying about, fearing, over the consequences. Of course, I would want you to be a part of that. I don't know how or when this would happen, but I can see how it cold be a focal point for healing. What say you?
Benj
Hello, Miss Sue,
So, I guess I'm living in interesting times. Certainly, from all I've heard and read it should be quite interesting. And I guess that includes what's happening in here. Trying to hold so much - so many - together with Fletch, well, it sure doesn't leave any time for my individual healing and growth - but I think that's my choice. At least for now.
Benj
Dear Miss Sue,
There are strange things going on. Not like I can put my finger on just what it is - like what stone was thrown into the pond causing all these ripples? But surely surely something was cast into the pond. What if the pond is really the M.E. (Main Essence)? What if it's the Core connecting point of all of us? What if it's something - some sentience that's beyond all of us, just of all of us, inclusive and exclusive of all of us. Well, that's beyond me.
Brett
Time is a funny thing. You say all what we tell of happened many, many years ago. For us, it happened only yesterday. But it doesn't matter. Not really. It's just strange.
Benj
12-15-98
Dear Miss Sue,
Very interesting things happened today. Andrew had another bad night. He hasn't been sleeping well. All this morning, he was crying. Finally, D asked Antonio to go check on him. Rachel went with him. Antonio told Andrew not to worry because he was there, and he would protect him from anything. Rachel put him on her lap and rocked him until he stopped crying and finally went to sleep. They are still there. No one is quite sure what is wrong, but we know how to comfort each other. Maybe you can help.
Thank you,
Benj
Dear Miss Sue,
We have heard some interesting things for some of us to contemplate. About going into the light if we are ready and don't need or want to hang out here any longer. I see that as a possibility. We are going to discuss it and we will let you know our views.
Brett
Sometimes it just can't be people interaction. Sometimes I just can't be around people - or there are none around. So then I have to find something to break the cycle, something to stop the spinning, something to break the incessant call off the ledge. Sometimes I hit myself or hit the wall or something. Sometimes getting burned works. Sometimes other things. Sometimes pain. Just to shock my mind from its rut, from its track, so I can be back in the world.
Brett
Dear Miss Sue,
Sometimes things become so uncertain that I'm not sure which direction I need to go. Resolution seems to help in deeper levels than I understand and the accompanying aftershocks seem to go on forever. Sometimes I think that being a fragment of a shattered soul is a very difficult thing to resolve. I know it is not impossible because of God's intervention and power, but for me - sometimes I just don't understand what it is I need to do, and if it will make any difference. Actually, I just needed to talk to you. Thanks for listening.
Brett
Sometimes, you know, you just get accustomed to knowing there's no escape and somewhere in your mind you separate from the pain and just make it another part of the environment - the outside of self - the notself. Like living.
Brett
I find it very interesting that when we tapped into that past-life with you - you know, on the altar - that it was the most real feeling thing I have known. As if in that instance, my mind, body, and heart were all connected and I could feel the pain, or maybe experience it. Something. It's something I don't have right now.
Brett
Hello, Miss Sue,
It has been a while since I wrote. Things are particularly difficult emotionally right now. That is why I am in "Expression". It is difficult also because it is hard on others. This is because I am the One who shields the heart and emotions and the vulnerable parts of the psyche. So while I am in "Expression", I appear 'cold' and out-of-reach. I do not interact in any kind of emotional way. I do help us to survive, by just keeping on. I do not know if I will see you Wednesday, but I do know that you accept me as I am, and you understand what I do. That helps me more than you could ever now.
Benjamin
1-31-99