11-5-2
Dear Mary
(visualize our small table with coffee and scones)...
I will be looking forward to seeing you at Christmastime...perhaps sharing a few cups of coffee and conversation sprinkled amongst the holiday wonder. I heal and grow in the Spirit daily, and my journeys and teachings are even deeper and vaster than ever... some of which are better (and only) shared with you. This past Sunday, I was called to lay down my protection and trust the Spirit. I understood laying down those things (words, actions, addictions) that I use for protection, but I was cautioned that I had already done that...something more was being asked for now... my ego. Not just in the sense of pride, identity, work, etc. But in the sense of being aware in everything I think, do, and say of using my ego for my protection. Well, that's not unusual in this world (and others). But to connect to the Will of Heaven, I had to quit protecting myself. For me, it is the beginning of a much more spiritual road, a much higher, deeper, Lighter "letting go and letting God" trust. You know? It is going from external locus to internal locus to spiritual locus. I'm not sure I'm explaining this well, but this is my attempt to verbalize and so better understand the experiences I am having. Trusting that I am in the right place at the right time, that safety is truly in that trust, that I can walk in the Will of Heaven here on Earth and still be absolutely connected to all of Creation in a very mundane way as well. Did that make sense? Now, of course, I am not all that... yet... but it is where this new Journey starts. The interesting fact of this is that wherever I journey -- whatever dimension, realm, time, place -- this Path is there at my feet. Fascinating! But I am human, nonetheless; and it is difficult to always be in that spiritual place... I do fear still: about job security, bills, schoolwork, disasters and revelation, encountering a very negative interaction with someone, other people's perception of me... you know, the usual. It is difficult to "really" just let go of everything, even though I put my intention of being in the Will of Heaven... what's that saying? "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak". The more I travel down this road, the more I understand this at a much deeper level. I would guess on a comparative scale (which truly does not exist) that I have walked pretty far on this Path and should not beat myself so, but I feel I will not be content until I can stand with pure intent, being completely in the Will of Heaven. You alone will know me in this spiritual way, although others will see me there. I thank God that you have crossed my Path and stay close enough for me to share this. I hope it doesn't sound as if I've lost touch with reality, as if somehow I've regressed into some protective fantasy... and saying this does reveal my own concerns of how others perceive me (and how I do not trust myself). I have no doubt of my Path or my Self.......... usually. Anyway, thanks for listening. Enjoy your e-coffee and e-scone. I did. (actually, it was an almond cream cheese danish).Hope to converse with you more, later.
12-3-2
Devlyn,
I resonated with this so much that I put it aside thinking I would give it a proper amount of time to reply - an, of course, that proper amount of time neve materialized and here it is a month later and I'm knowing that a quick one liner would have been better than none. I am sorry to be so pokey and disorganized. I thought I'd reply in the body of the letter below.
.>
Dear Mary
(visualize our small table with coffee and scones)...
Sounds wonderful - I am enthusiasxtic about seeing you and also about getting together with Sue. I can't believe the time has gone by so quickly and it's literally been years!
I will be looking forward to seeing you at Christmastime...perhaps sharing a few cups of coffee and conversation sprinkled amongst the holiday wonder. I heal and grow in the Spirit daily, and my journeys and teachings are even deeper and vaster than ever... some of which are better (and only) shared with you. This past Sunday, I was called to lay down my protection and trust the Spirit. I understood laying down those things (words, actions, addictions) that I use for protection, but I was cautioned that I had already done that...something more was being asked for now... my ego. Not just in the sense of pride, identity, work, etc. But in the sense of being aware in everything I think, do, and say of using my ego for my protection.
This is a constant struggle for me, especially now in the time of transition. To be a good and faithful priest is to lay down my defenses and let the Holy Spirit work. But in my mind, it also is to do faithful and intentional work with people whose lives intersect with mine. Maybe it's not letting go of ego but using ego in a different way - not for protection but in service of the work we are given to do. I read recently that what is missing from our vocabulary is the word 'will'. We are created with will and I don't think God means us to give it up and become passive as much as God wishes for us to will to serve God. That's a fine line and the subject of constant prayer and struggle for me.
Well, that's not unusual in this world (and
others). But to connect to the Will of Heaven, I had to quit protecting myself. For me, it is the beginning of a much more spiritual road, a much higher, deeper, Lighter "letting go and letting God" trust. You know? It is going from external locus to internal locus to spiritual locus.
Keeping the internal but allowing it to be indwelt by the spirit. Being a differientiated individual in the spirit who is internally controled but externally directed. It can't all be about God and me. For me, from this point forward it has to be about God and the whole people of God - one at a time or in community. Like you, I'm not sure I can articulate this too well.
I'm not sure I'm explaining this
well, but this is my attempt to verbalize and so better understand the experiences I am having. Trusting that I am in the right place at the right time, that safety is truly in that trust, that I can walk in the Will of Heaven here on Earth and still be absolutely connected to all of Creation in a very mundane way as well. Did that make sense? Now, of course, I am not all that... yet... but it is where this new Journey starts. The interesting fact of this is that wherever I journey -- whatever dimension, realm, time, place -- this Path is there at my feet. Fascinating! But I am human, nonetheless; and it is difficult to always be in that spiritual place... I do fear still: about job security, bills, schoolwork, disasters and revelation, encountering a very negative interaction with someone, other people's perception of me... you know, the usual. It is difficult to "really" just let go of everything, even though I put my intention of being in the Will of Heaven... what's that saying? "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak". The more I travel down this road, the more I understand this at a much deeper level. I would guess on a comparative scale (which truly does not exist) that I have walked pretty far on this Path and should not beat myself so, but I feel I will not be content until I can stand with pure intent, being completely in the Will of Heaven.
Fear is a little dog (sometimes a big dog) walking along at my heels nipping once in a while or growling when I get too comfortable, barking and waking me up in the middle of the night. Yet, God keeps opening up the path in front of me in kind and sometimes funny ways. I have come to recognize that people's perception of me is important because I will represent God and the church to many even if I don't want to. The paradox is that if I try to control how I present myself - to live the priest role - I will loose myself and become false and hollow. Again, it's will - because my fear says that I have to control my presentation but my faith says I must recognize the fear to be basically anti-God and I need to will myself to trust that God will fill me with wht I need to do the work and will open the path if I just pay attention to where I am going and how I place my feet... even in the dark. Listening for the Light - seeing with the inner eye. Taking seriously the need to stay in the Light and not get careless or allow myself to drift.
You alone will know me in this spiritual way, although others will see me there. I thank God that you have crossed my Path and stay close enough for me to share this. I hope it doesn't sound as if I've lost touch with reality, as if somehow I've regressed into some protective fantasy... and saying this does reveal my own concerns of how others perceive me (and how I do not trust myself). I have no doubt of my Path or my Self.......... usually. Anyway, thanks for listening. Enjoy your e-coffee and e-scone. I did. (actually, it was an almond cream cheese danish).Hope to converse with you more, later.
I am ever grateful for the priviledge of your friendship. Your journey has been and will continue to be one that I want to be a part of.
Date: Tue, 04 Dec 2001 18:19:19 -0700
Dear Mary,
I send these fwd.autism messages, because that is where I am, for the most part now. I understand it to be my original state, or very close. So I am working on "integrating" that part of myself into the presenting person that most everyone sees (Devlyn). I have shifted lately in that convergence, but in an autistic sense, it has affected other areas of my life. It is harder for me to show, express, emotions and things associated with that. It is difficult for me to engage in social activities that seem without heart, truth, or depth. On the other hand, I am coming into myself in acceptance of normal (to me) mystical, spiritual (shamanic) gifts, and allowing them to be a normal part of my life and conversation. This is not easy, as most people do not want to hear "spooky" stuff, or things that might cause their world-view to be affected. My communication and social abilities are somewhat affected, because being open to the sensory and higher vibrations makes it impossible to be very open to people all the time. It just overloads the self. So I'm shielding more, in an effort to find a balance between both worlds. On a different note, I'm having some difficulties with working at a deeper level in counseling, specifically dealing with issues surrounding abuse at Christmastime, by both parents and probably grandfather as well; though I haven't gotten to him yet. It is causing a lot of turbulence, and I have been unable to attend church-related activities for now and perhaps through the holidays. We will see how that goes. I mean I do want to go to the midnight service on Christmas Eve, but even that is subject to change. I am not pushing myself to participate in things that will cause more problems than I can already handle right now. And having added the autistic perspective only makes it more difficult. Dealing with the abuse probably went far deeper than I had thought. It didn't seem that bad last Thursday, but my actions speak quite loudly that it was. And I will be dealing with this for the next two weeks as well. I'm trying to shake the fastenings off the locked memory box from that time. Though nothing new or significantly different was disclosed, something indeed happened. And I expect more will come. Anyway, enough of me. One final to go, and two classes. YAY! Hope to see you soon,
Thanks for this. It makes a lot of sense to me. and I agree that you should not push yourself around the Christmas church stuff. Just do what you feel okay with out of faith or desire. I'll keep you in my prayers for progress that is fruitful in the coming days.
10-26-1
Devlyn,
Never doubt that you are my true friend and I am yours. Whether I forward chain letters or not. Your Friendship means so much more than that to me. Take care of yourself and of Carole. I think of you often and hold you in my prayers. mlp
9-15-1
Devlyn,
Thanks for your poetry and thoughts. As yet, I am just taking it all in. I do not believe that God wills or causes this kind of thing. Rather, our creator God gave all of us the Godly gift of choice. Sin and evil are the outgrowth of choices that separate us from other living beings and from God - even if we say we are making those choices in the name of God. The hard part of that is that if we choose to fight back or get revenge, we must not kid ourselves that God is on our side. God is not in the choices we make that hurt one another.
Please know that I love you guys and want you to be well and safe. Give Carole and yourself hugs for me.
10-10-1
Dear Mary,
I forgot to tell you what else happened... because, as usual, I have some interesting communions. Anyway, in addition to the previous letter's references, I came to an understanding of "sin", as it applies to me. My "sin" is directly proportional to my belief in the separateness of all things -- of Creation. There is no separation; we are all One -- with everyone, everything, God, Jesus, good, bad, whatever... God created all from him/herself, so logically, there IS no separation. And yet, so much of what I believe (and others), so much of how I act, how I think, how I feel, comes from believing in a separateness. The Truth is, there is no separateness. Everyone I know, and the millions I don't, everything that exists, known and unknown, is within me... as if they were aspects of me (like MPD), which in truth, they are! The more I meditate on this, the deeper the knowing goes, the heavier the turbulence in my soul, and heart, and mind, because SO MUCH of my own disbelief in me and who I am, and how I interact with others, and creation, comes from that belief. That belief in separation was rife in the Old Testament. Jesus tried to teach otherwise, but also was misunderstood. So I came to see that my "sin" was only, and completely, my own belief in my separateness from the Creative Source. Then, in reciting the Lord's Prayer, I perseverated on the line "as we forgive those who trespass against us" ( I mean, I finished the prayer, but that line get echoing through my mind). And I realized that I needed to forgive those who also believe in the separateness and act out of that belief, not being aware of its lie. The next thing I knew, was that I was being "shown" a "vision" of myself as a "river". That the river accepts into itself whomever steps, jumps, wades, or pees(sorry) in it. The river has unconditional acceptance. The river KNOWS the Oneness, and that there is no separation... therefore, no judgment. So, for me, that day, I could accept Joe into my sphere of energy, my Circle of Light, just as he is... and not be changed, triggered, angered, frightened, or judgmental. It was a fascinating experience. So, when it was time to partake of the eucharist, Yeshua, my blessed friend, said that it was the "trailmix and juice" for the beginning of another long journey. Pretty cool, you think?
Thanks for listening to me.
10-10-1
Dear Mary,
I am sending all the Light and Love energy I hold to your mom. I hope she heals well. Also, after hearing Joe's sermon on the topic that you had to write a sermon on,as well, my thoughts went this way (contrary to what Joe said, as usual): Joe's words: "Put God before everything you think, do, and say"; my knowing: "God is Love"; ergo, my thoughts: "Put Love before everything you think, do, and say". That just seems to make more sense, resonate more deeply, touch more hearts, and lead to a better, wiser, fuller comprehension of what Jesus meant. If I put love before (and within) all that I am, all that I do, all that I focus on, how in the world (so to speak) can I go wrong? And if I am putting love in and before all that I am and do, then obviously I have chosen to stand in, of, and for the Light. But, contrarily, I don't believe that love and worship are the same thing. Neither God, in the Old Testament, nor Jesus, in the New, admonishes me to worship them. For Jesus, love is all; Love is All. Love God. Love your neighbor. Love yourself. Love all. Seems pretty obvious to me. In the Old Testament, God doesn't ever say "should". God doesn't say that I need to worship him; he says not to worship anything else. To me, this means not to separate him (or Love) into pieces that come to mean more than Love, that get one to focus on someTHING or someONE more than just allowing Love to flow from oneself; as if the River Jordan flows through us (it does, but that's another story). Joe is so intent on getting people into the church, for many reasons... not really in a love-focused reason, at all... that he is realigning his own understanding of truth to state that if you don't worship continuously, you don't love God, and you aren't of the Light. These are dangerous concepts, in the long run, for some people may make the wrong choice ignorantly... or think they have, and act on that. Do you see where I'm going with this? I would love to have your comments. Take care,Dev
6-28-1
Devlyn,
I want to make sure that we do get some time to catch up while I am home in late July. How about July 23 (feast of Mary Magdelene, no less!)? It's a Monday and I don't know what your summer school may look like. anyway, let me know if this will work out and what time would be good. I miss you. blessings, mlp
2-10-1
12-9-0
Dear Devlyn,
I surely am the worst correspondent I know. It is wonderful to have friends who send me birthday cards and notes in spite of myself. Thank You! Right now it is melt down time with five papers due in the next five days and other things swirling around in my head and threatening to be forgotten. I have some plans not to be back here until early February so leaving things will have a long term effect. My dog has decided that she's going to get my attention so she is bumping my arm and trying to present me with her best possession, her wet and soggy bone. It's in my lap right now and she is nosing me to play with it. (Who in their right mind wouldn't want to play with such a beautiful bone??) Ah, she has given up and taken it back for now. I'm trying not to look at her but am sneaking sidelong glances to see that she has settled back into chewing on it.
I expect that your schedule is much the same as mine with the end of term work due in full very soon. How is your shoulder? Mine got injured playing with the wonder dog and I am being pretty careful with it so as not to tear it badly as you did. It does okay as long as I keep it still and dont try to pull with it (leash injuries must be a slightly different angle than lifting injuries).
I will not make it for the Stephen party. The 12th is the saint day for the Virgin of Guadalupe, by the way. She is by far the major holy figure outside of the big three down here (and in some places, I think she is even bigger). There will be big doings on Monday. I had thought to leave on Friday, but am now reconsidering and think a good night's sleep and a little extra shopping time on Friday afternoon would do me some good. I think now that I'll leave here on Saturday morning and try to be back in Flagstaff Sunday evening. I'll give you a call and we can set aside some time to visit. love and blessings, m
.
Dear Mary,
I can certainly commiserate with you about reading, papers, and all the stuff that education of any form is full of. It has been causing some serious problems, but I am persevering through them, with Carole's help. One paper down, two papers, and an oral presentation, and two finals to go.
I am looking forward to seeing you over Christmas break. If you are home by the 17th, you are cordially invited to the Watershed Celtic Solstice Christmas celebration at our home. I'd love to see you. I may see you at the Stephen Minister's one, but it is a finals night, so we'll see.
I hope all is well with you. I do miss hearing from you, but I know how school can be. And, of course, I have to quit believing that I might have done something to stop your corresponding with me. It's an old pattern. Did you get your birthday card? Many things are happening, but none really earthshattering. Getting through the end of this semester may be that, though.
Take care. Give Manesseh a hug.
In Love and Light,
Devlyn
11-7-0
Hi...
Because I saw myself being tossed about by waves of chaotic energy within and beyond myself, I decided to do something about it. Doing a lot of research in areas of anxiety, mpd, autism, and that spectrum, I began noticing some similarities in the nutritional programs that were offered. Taking from them what I could handle right now, I set about setting up my own framework. No, I'm not into exercise right now. However, because of the workman's comp. injury, I am getting physical therapy from a young woman who uses whole body healing, massage with chiropractic work, and a very good understanding of physiology and the interconnectedness of, and within, the body. And she is in Flagstaff. That was difficult to find. Easier in Sedona. Anyway, I have gone to her twice, and will go again tomorrow. Not only was the shoulder and collarbone areas out, but my ribs are a mess; and I can see, as she manipulates to put them back in place, how much it has affected my breathing and posture as well. As to the vitamin/mineral program, this is what I have done. In the morning, I take a multivitamin (even if it is a children's chewable) along with a Vitamin C (250) and a B6 (100). At night, I take another C, and Magnesium/Zinc (400/15). I have been doing this since 11/2 and things have been very balanced since then. In fact, yesterday and today I have not had to take any Methocarbs at all. I could have taken them for the muscle spasms, but I didn't need them for anxiety, and so I just didn't take them because it was important to see how I could respond to everyday living and the stresses inherent within that. I have decided today to take an extra C at midday. I have not had any swings in the past week. I have not had much anxiety at all in the past week, just a little Sunday because I dressed up, but all that actually felt comfortable and professional and not really a problem. I guess this is all to say that, at the moment, things have taken a good turn. I am feeling good (not counting the shoulder/rib pain). I do take turns taking aspirin, ibu, codone, and tylenol. I did not take tylenol pm last night, which was a first in way too long a time. It wasn't a deep and restful sleep, but I did sleep. I think as I progress with this program that that will come, too.
Everything else is going ok. I am managing school. I am managing work, so to speak. Carole and I are still doing very well, communicating being the bottom line. I'll talk to you later. Take care. May God and Goddess bless, what sun and moon caress, where nothing's more or less, and Love holds all the rest.
devlyn
11-2-0
I wish I could think of something original to say, but I am going to repeat myself: STAY INSIDE YOUR CIRCLE OF LIGHT. Be still and patient. Listen. Wait. Watch. Don't be tempted to step outside. Be still.
I will keep you in my prayers.
Blessings,Mary
From: "DevlynRhys Lighthawk"
Subject: dev's convergence, part 1
Date: Wed, 01 Nov 2000 22:50:15 MST
From Devlyn/Roxanne
Convergence
The whole IS more than the sum, or at least, completely different. When I converged, I experienced terrible mood swings for the first time. I am still experiencing them. I experienced depression that lasted a long time, rather than touch-and-go. My biochemical make-up is altered. Although I could understand some of the individual make-ups and properly balance them with medication and/or activities, there is nothing to prepare me for this. The usual methods don't work well. Nothing seems to stabilize the swings very effectively. Also, the medical/biological/physical issues have yet to manifest themselves in a collective sense, except that the fatigue can hit suddenly and overwhelmingly, as can pain and soreness in various places in and on my body. Nothing emotional, nothing physical, can be dissociated out and dealt within an individual manner, anymore. I choose it not to be so. It's all there, all at once, and it's overwhelming. All the traumas that were dealt with, at first, in an intellectual counseling setting, and then in an alternative energy-moving abreactive setting, are now being revived in a unified converged person, and again seek resolution.
I have no pockets to hide my fear. I used to have a pocket for each fear. Each pocket was locked. Each person had a key. Now I have all the keys, and I don't know which ones go where. And the pockets are disappearing and the fears are just everywhere. And I feel so out of control. It's noisy all the time in my mind. It's buzzing all the time along the nerves and synapses and neurotransmitters. The chemicals in my body fluctuate wildly and have no baseline. What's right? What's appropriate? Knowing the empirical norm, I know, doesn't mean it's right for me. So I'm lost. Now, I'm not sure what I want to be when I grow up. I know some of my abilities, but not the range, not where the interest lies, not "what is me".
One thing of importance in the convergence of an MPD entity is the self-directedness of the Core Child to healing. It's the Core Child that is the key. After convergence, there remains a SINGLE spectrum from birth to now: from the Core Child to the Functioning Adult. Now, these two perceptions must meld. Trying to meld the spectrum into a star, while trying to deal with the convergence of multiple beams of light into one spectrum, not only seems overwhelming (it is), but also impossible (or the next point to the left of impossible). Who am I, then? Some kind of conglomeration of a hundred pieces of me that weren't me for so long? And I feel like a hundred pieces of light orbiting a single soul, but in so much chaos and speed. I'm lost. I'm scared. I'm all of these, but more than just adding them up. And sometimes, I feel like none of these, because I wasn't truly them, just a bit, just a shard of mirror reflecting little bits of fear. And now I'm holding all the shards. I hold them all in my hands, and they cut me, and they hurt, and I bleed. A hundred little cuts and all bleeding. But you can't see them. Nope. I still don't let you. But I can't let me not feel. Because I do. Now. And it is harder to not show you because it's all there, all the time, not little bits that I can put in pockets and have some control over. It's all there, all the time. Overwhelming.
There's still self-destructive thoughts, but I have come to know that it isn't dying I want, but just something to stop the pain, stop the buzzing, stop the incessant chaos racing through my mind, and the ever- recurring trauma-pain surfacing over and over all over my body. But I don't want mind- and body-numbing drugs (legal or other).
Also, my learning ability is being compromised by small disabilities I never had to deal with. I had a pocket-alter to do that. I can't focus well; I can't concentrate long; I have dyslexic issues. My pocket-alter had no problems with concrete academics and knew gimmicks to pass tests in more abstract areas. My favorite expression growing up was "I don't know"; I'm still not sure. Even though everyone sees me as intelligent as my grades and words can show; it was just a pocket-alter. And a different pocket-alter to associate with people. Because it was demanded; because it was expected; because I could end up in EST if I acted autistic, so I don't. Or at least my pocket-alter didn't. Now I have to prepare myself to deal with people in social settings; not so much in friendship settings as I must have learned something, or am a highly functioning and evolving autistic child within a gifted and highly adaptable functioning adult. Who knows?
dev
10-6-0
Dear Mary,
How wonderful it was to hear from you! Carole and I are doing very well. We are integrating our styles for the common room, and in all things in which we are both a part. Our bedrooms are our own. The kids' room is an integration of sorts. We are completely out of our other apartments, although there is still much to do to get this one into some semblance of order and organization...if that ever happens. Did it happen for you in your new place? Has it become a home for Manesseh, too?
It sounds like school is both overwhelming and fascinating at the same time. That's how it is for me, too. I should actually being doing my take-home test now,but I wanted to write to you, and a few others, to catch up with where I am and what I'm doing and stuff. School is going well, although there are times when it is difficult to concentrate, depending on what frame of mind I happen to be in. Having gone to part-time with Dennys is helping a lot, but I know it's going to be really difficult financially, because now Ijust barely make enough for both rents and nothing extra beyond that. I used up my semester's financial aid in paying off my clinic bill, getting glasses, the down payment on this apartment, and becoming a member of ACA and ISSD. And a few pieces of furniture because I didn't have any. I am hoping the rebates on this computer come in soon. Also, I loaned a native american young woman enough money to pay her tuition so she could start back to school this fall which she is paying back a bit on each Dennys payday. I know that was worth the risk; she's smart and could make it in a good job. I have a test Tuesday night, which is what part of my take-home exam is for. I had one last Wednesday, also. I don't know how I did, but I know I passed. I didn't study for that one as well as I should have. It's the Tuesday one that has so much of the psychotherapy terms. The Multicultural class doesn't have exams, just papers and experiential written feedback. Because of the journal writing, that professor asked me to talk to him about the issues I was alluding to in my journals, so I talked with him last Wednesday. It was pretty cool. He didn't try to tell me any different, or spin it different, or in anyway dissuade me from what I knew I had been through, and the MPD diagnosis. I felt like he acknowledged me for what I had experienced, and how I had survived it.
So now, let's talk about me. In the last few days, I've had a major shift. I suddenly realized that I could remember, or at least access, all my memories before age 8. Everything was at my disposal. There was a bunch of anger that surfaced; very much a Rachel-thing. Carole dealt really well with it, even though I didn't want to engage anyone or anything with it. And then, I discovered that "everyone" had become able to feel (experience) what "everyone" else had; that the interconnections were all alive and doing well, so to speak. Everyone knew everything... so then, the next thing to occur was that I had a trigger flashback experience that was absolutely terrifying. When I re-experienced it, I was right back there...not through someone...not in a vision sense...not as a named child...but me, right here, right now...and I was re-experiencing the whole thing. I'm glad Carole was around at that time, because it would've been very difficult to cope otherwise without dissociating.
This morning, I feel very quiet. There are no voices, no others, just a calm and serene feeling...quite like the eye of the storm, I suppose. I could wish it were the other side of the storm, but I have to keep reminding myself that it isn't...Carole reminds me, too. Still, I know I have contact with those aspects of myself that are better able to deal with heavy issues, with strength and courage to draw on. Not in the sense of needing to dissociate again, just being able to tap into those other aspects of myself, now, as I need them. Does this make sense? I hope so. I also have to reassure myself that just because I can't feel the "others" doesn't mean that I have shut them out and severely dissociated, rather it means that I believe I have finally achieved harmonic convergence, my own personal one. I pray that this is so.
Anyway,I do need to get my homework done. Please take care; and every once in a while, just imagine the Rocks at Buffalo Park, and the sun and the lizards and you and me...and the Stillness of the Spirit between. I miss that. I could wish we could share an hour on your return visit, but I can see that that would be nigh impossible. still, there's nothing wrong in wishing it...love you,
devlyn
10-4-0
Dear Devlyn,
How is school? Mine keeps me pretty busy and even then not all of the reading gets done. the thing is, that is okay and I know it will be that way but most of the reading is such good stuff that I want to get it done, so that's frustrating.
Outside of school, Manasseh and I lead a pretty quiet life (Mostly, there is not much but sleep outside of school). we walk about 3 times a day which is good for both of us.
How is Carole and the new apartment? Are your lives settling into some kind of manageable rythm that allows you time to yourselves and time together? How is Sue?
I heard from Johanna about the ceremony being cancelled at Epiphany. She is hurting. I hope that all will gather around them both and let them know that whatever Joe is dealing with now is not the church, but his own stuff and he's just an ordinary man, not the hero that we often wish he was. Sometimes he just can't get his head to go where his heart is leading. I wish he had come to this conclusion earlier before she and Candice go so far into their plans. Or had gone ahead as planned.
Take care of yourself. I know you are staying impossibly occupied. Give the kids a chance to play once in a while. and everyone a chance to sleep late as often as possible.
love and blessings,
Mary
9-18-0
Dear Devlyn,
I had noticed the silence but thought that you, like me, were getting swamped by school and new experiences. You have been busy! I am glad to hear about the new apartment and hope that it works out well for both of you. Those living together issues tend to need continuing work as you doubtless know. Carole's injuries sound very painful. I winced just reading about them. Lots of prayers for healing and soft places to put her elbow (and knee).
Is school what you hoped it would be? I forgot when you wrote before to say that you will not have to do a masters thesis, but an independent study on the topic that you outlined is a real possibility. When I took psychopathology, we had to do a big in-depth paper (research, not personal theory though) on some specific disorder named in the dsm 4. Are you liking the reading. One thing I wish I had done more of is to watch the wonderful videotapes of theorists and therapists at work that they have in the resource library at CEE. Tim Tomlinson has an awesome collection of tapes as well.
Your step out at the Watershed gathering took courage. I am very supportive of this direction. One very good result is that you need no longer go it entirely alone. You have the prayers of the community with you. And it goes without saying that you always have mine.
This was the first day of "real school" for us. We now are into the regular term with more traditional course offerings. Today I had classes in biblical history and interpretation, theology, and liturgical music. Tomorrow, there is a class in liturgical leadership. Tuesdays are the light day in the week. I am glad. The reading already is impossible. I need the time! Anyway, suddenly it feels like I am here to stay. Hard to explain but the whole venture has had a temporary feel to it up to now. In honor of the new feeling, I rearranged my furniture yesterday afternoon and am making a "nest".
Please know that lots of prayers and love are coming your way. Also to Carole. Take care of yourselves and keep on working things through, especially the tough ones.
love and blessings,
mary
9-2-0
My dear friend,
It sounds like school is in full swing there and your reaction to the work load is probably in good company with many others. The work load here is going to be very large and the load of new ideas and important thoughts is pretty amazing as well. I got my books for the regular term yesterday. I bought 14 of them from the required lists, none of the alternates, and have not bought my music books yet. Spending lots of the book money from E and loving that people did that for me. the regular term does not start until Sept 15. For the next 2 weeks, everyone does one class all day every day called symposium. This year's broad topic is "work". What is it? What does it mean to people? What does God have to do with it; it with God? Big dose of liberation theology for Tuesday, the first class. Each night we have about 60 pages to cover for it, but everyone here is very excited because the main leader is a beloved priest/economist here in Austin.
We are just back from retreat at a place called Laity Lodge in the hills south of here. It was a little canyon with the most wonderful spring fed stream running through it. I went swimming in a place called the blue hole that had much of the feeling of the rocks. One morning early another junior and I hiked up (fast) there and had it to ourselves in the hour between breakfast and our first meeting.
Manasseh is doing pretty well. She likes being around a lot of people and the park near here provides her with dog friends as well as squirrels, birds, and the random biker to chase and not catch. She has me out for a long walk at least twice a day and gives me spiriutal direction in the form of her pure happiness at being whereever she is. She has her moments of boredom and destructiveness and has chewed through a few articles of clothing, etc.
I can understand why you guys are looking for an apartment. I hope you can find one with 2 bedrooms and maintain some separateness which is going to be essential for two such dedicated introverts. (Need your cave time...). With my one big room, I find that I get frustrated with bumping into myself sometimes!
Spiritually, this place offers a lot. So many kindred spirits, lots of organized religion, and lots of time by myself. There is a special course in personal spiritual development, which I have some mixed feelings about. We all have to take it, so I have decided to get all that I can from it and leave what does not resonate. Anyway, I will report on how we do with spirituality by the academic route. Otherwise, I have met some truly good people and had some truly good prayer time both in their company and alone. The two of you together and separately are often in my prayers.
love and blessings,
Mary
ps Say hello to Sue. I never did find my Zian book. Wonder if I lent it to someone and forgot who. Anyway, seeing the real thing has got to have been more than any book could ever prepare her for.
Date: Fri, 01 Sep 2000 19:50:32 MST
Dear Mary,
It was good to hear from you. I'm glad you are doing all right. It is getting chilly here, which is a little early but not uncomfortable at all. Actually, it's kind of nice. Carole and I are looking for an apartment, because this running between two is not helping my chaos and structuring, considering the stress of school and work, as well. School is going to be all right, but finding all the time I need to study may be a little difficult because I need down time from work before I can be in a good place to study. Oh well; I'm thinking of cutting back maybe to four days at Dennys when they get another manager here. I have joined the American Counseling Association, and the International Society for the Study of Dissociation. I've got some fascinatinating material from them. Also, I signed up to go to their conference this fall. It's in San Antonio, November 12-14. That takes care of my professional activity that I need for two of my classes, plus. And there are some very interesting lectures and workshops dealing with MPD at this conference. I am thinking of submitting some kind of paper from a first-person perspective. Most of what they incorporate into their thinking follows what I think, anyway. There are a few areas that I differ in, but that's because I've walked the walk, and each case is so unique as well. If you would like to read their philosophy and such, maybe I could fax it to you, or mail it, or something. THe multi-cultural class won't be as taxing, except for the one of the team instructors is young and aggressive in her defense of diversity and the knowledge that all people have an essential bigotry built in from their family and cultural heritage and environment. I believe I have matured beyond that in some ways, and see -spiritually- that all sentient beings are deserving of dignity and respect. On the other hand, I have an somewhat autistic way of looking at people that gives me trouble just because they are not-me. Either way, she is not going to understand where I am coming from. Still, there are plenty of other people around in class that she'll be able to get some debate from, I'm sure. I have to remember to be the Wind, so her aggressiveness doesn't trigger some defense mechanism I no longer need to use. Sue will be back next week; I can't wait to see her, just because I miss her. I miss you, too. So don't the Rocks. Maybe you can sit on some rocks there and send messages to these rocks and they can pass it on to me. You know that works, because you've known me long enough. I know how fragile your heart can be, and I hope you give it some time in nature when you can. Say hi to Manasseh for me. I know we will both be studying hard, and working hard, and not have much time for just being; but, I also know it's important to do that. Being still... Take care, my journey-friend,
Wind beneath your wings,
In Light and Truth,
and Sacred Love,
Devlyn
8-25-0
Hi, Mary,
I finally got to read your letter this evening. I am now working at Dennys on Milton. So far, so good. My schedule there will be 6-4 on Thursday and Friday, 4-2 on Sat, Sun, and Monday. Off Tues and Wed. That will make Thursday a long day, what with choir...so we will have to see about that. Classes start Tuesday, and so we will see what happens there. I have my card, but not my books...they lost them after I went to all the trouble to reserve them; now I have to find the stupid receipt in order to get that $25 off, or something that says that I paid it. I am really looking forward to classes, actually. I have tentatively decided to work my thesis on the correlation of undischarged mobilization due to childhood abuse to the immunological disorders of FMS, CFS, Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Aids, etc. Sounds cool anyway. Keith has been behaving himself so far at Dennys. I really think he is bipolar or something like that, the way he can swing so far from reasonable to unreasonable. Today was my first day there and it went well, even with an unfriendly encounter with one of the servers who tends to be overbearing and obnoxious...but I held my own and felt good about it.
About moving to Southern Colorado, it really depends on when God says GO; right now, I think we've been put on notice to be prepared, to be ready, to not hesitate when He says NOW. Rent is cheap in Pueblo, and there is the Univ of South. Col. in town that we could transfer to. Of course, we could also move into Castle Rock, where my daughter is at that apartment complex...but that is not cheap. Even more than FLagstaff. Carole would have the opportunity to get a good paying job at TimeWarner Telecom, though, through my other daughter. So there are lots of ways in; I just have to be listening to that Inner Voice.
On another note, I'm not sure how you will respond to this, but it is a pretty big deal for me. Two of my employees who have gotten engaged and made plans to marry next year have asked me to officiate at a handfasting ceremony. What an honor! It will be Wiccan-based, but very Light, and Light-centered. I intend to invite all my Archangel friends, and all their friends, and every Light entity I can think of. It's to take place this Halloween. Please pray for me, as I think I may be stepping on Dark toes to do this righteously.
I am glad Manasseh is doing well, even with sock therapy. It does sound really intense...I can only imagine what my schedule will eventually look like after listening to yours. I have every faith in you in being able to succeed on this Quest to find your own Holy Grail within your heart. I salute you. Do take care of yourself. Even a little pampering when you can. I miss you as only God knows the depth of that. I could hope to meet with you up in the Rocks at some time when you pass through town in October. It should be very beautiful up there.
Carole and I are doing truly very well. I smile more than I ever have, ever knew I could. I feel good. I feel happy. Even when I don't, I feel secure in the knowledge that there is someone who really does care about me, with no strings attached...no expectations...no reimbursements. We each wear a ring now, to respect and affirm our commitment to each other. It is truly a miraculous right. I feel only Light...and that I am hearing God truthfully and deeply. It is a good thing, no doubt.
and now a word from my Lightpartner...
Hi, Mary... it was so good to hear that things are going reasonably well for you and you are getting somewhat settled and into a routine of sorts. Of course, trying to find time to SLEEP will be the biggest challenge, it seems. I will be praying that God will expand every hour you're able to spend in your bed (or wherever you fall asleep) so that your sleep needs will be met, no matter how few the hours.
I finally got myself registered for the two classes I'll be taking this semester: one with Rich Rodgers in the Comm. Dept. at NAU (I can't remember which one it is... three of the classes he's teaching were full and one wasn't, so that's the one I registered for) and Intro. to Abnormal Psych at CCC. Both should be interesting and plenty time-consuming. I also need to do something about finding a job part-time, although I do have a student loan that would keep me afloat for awhile.
We're finding that being together is just about the most important thing for both of us, and it will be really interesting to try and find ways to do that with the crazy schedules we'll have... but we've also discovered that love keeps us going in spite of stumbling over problems. I'm realizing that it IS possible to talk things out and not have them explode in my face or come around and smack me from behind, and that is such a great joy. I am slowing learning what love is really all about, and it is an incredibly, miraculous, growing, alive thing that sustains and supports me through anything that life can throw at me. I'm working very hard to stay grounded in the Light... and had an interesting insight recently that all the things that the Dark throws at me to try and get me off track are things of the physical realm, and as long as I stay in the Circle, they really don't have the impact on me that they do when I wander outside the boundaries. It helps.
I will be thinking of you with your daunting assignments (egads... THREE books AND a paper in five days??? I thought this was seminary--not HELL!!) and will keep you on TOP of the prayer list!!
Much love to you,
In Truth, Light, and Love...
Wind beneath your wings...
your journey-friend,
Devlyn
8-25-0
Devlyn and Carol,
you are great friends and I like to think that you are good for each other in this time of moving into the school term with all of its stresses. I hope that both of you find it a wonderful adventure and life giving. Southern Colorado sounds like a very good trip for you. Keep me posted on your plans with regard to that place.
love and blessings,
Mary
8-20-0
Dearest Mary,
We got your phone message, and I'm really glad you got there all right. We would see a deer or two along the way, and knew you were sending (or the Spirit through you) a message saying you were ok. We also saw a mommy deer and two little fawns crossing the road. It was like Spirit was trying to reassure me on beyond my own hesitation in faith. But I did believe (mostly) that you were there in one piece. How is Manassa doing? Have you been able to get to the bottom of all your stuff? Has school started? How's the weather? Are you still in awe of the whole move and the transition and what God realllllllly has in mind for you there? I miss you. I miss the prayer handfasting. I'll have to pick up the feeling over the net when you get a chance to email me back. Maybe throw in a prayer or two like you used to do really quietly, or maybe some musings that echo off the boulders of our Rocks in Buffalo Park. I miss your quiet and filling presence. I miss my very bestest friend, different from Carole as my best friend, for obvious reasons. Still, it is good with Carole and I. We hit snags and just work through it and go on, a little more wise and patient and understanding of the love that passeth all understanding. We are considering moving to Southern Colorado after first semester...We really liked what we saw... I was in "Canaan"...and knew the Lord would direct me to "Israel" from there. You'd have had to been there, but if you want, I could go into more detail...it was such a wondrous place we visited. Work is going as usual, although I may end up back at Milton in two weeks for I don't know how long... how much fun, working with Keith, and Dawn going to Rt.66 with Richard. Oh well, graduate orientation is Wednesday; some fun there... I miss you and love you more than I understand...it's a spirit thing, a heart thing... you are way cool, crackerjack; I need to send you a shirt with that on it: Reverend Crackerjack, in training.
In Truth, Light, and Love,
Wind beneath your wings,
Devlyn